CHRISTMAS will be upon us before we know it, dear reader, and, in anticipation of the season of goodwill, I believe I have some festive cheer to impart.
There are many out there, myself included, who reckon TV schedules at this special time of year are just not complete without the incomparable Morecambe and Wise, the creme de la creme of the merry jester double-acts who so often added sparkle amid the sleighbells, tinsel, mistletoe and mince pies.
Welcome though they may be, endless repeats of the legendary funnymen are really no substitute for Eric and Ernie firing out the gags and wisecracks in a conveyor belt of welcome fresh material.
But, hark! I hear a new comedic pairing could be on the horizon to take top billing and leave us all indulging in guffaw overload.
If these guys don’t have you rolling in the aisles with your sides splitting and the tears of laughter flooding down your cheeks then I reckon your bonhomie bypass has been a resounding success.
Ladeez and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce…drumroll, please…Bigmouth Boydy and Bonkers Bobby.
It’s a non-stop, rib-tickling, thigh-slapping, giggle fest when these guys are in town.
First up to trigger the mirthometer we have…all the way from Kilmarnock via Govan…the one and only Kris Boyd.
We’re still drying our eyes from his offering on Sunday. Who can forget this hilarious presentation of pure whimsy?
OOPS…Reo Hatate slides in to tackle Kilmarnock’s Liam Donnelly.
Our hero spent some considerable time weighing up Reo Hatate’s accidental coming-together with opponent Liam Donnelly before launching into this hysterical skit for his Sky Sports audience: “It’s a red card. It’s a red card. It’s a red card. All day long.
“You can’t catch a player that far up a leg and turn round and say sorry and hope to get away with it. He catches him below the knee. Just below the knee. It’s impossible not to get sent off there.
“So, the referee gets it wrong on the pitch and Don Robertson gets it wrong in the VAR room. That’s a red card all day long.”
While we attempted to recover some iota of composure following that classic, Derek McInnes, the Kilmarnock manager, played the immaculate straight man – Wee Ernie would have been proud – when he chipped in: “When it goes to VAR, I’m sure the pictures didn’t look good, but in terms of force, I’m not sure it was a red card, to be honest.”
But here comes Bonkers Bobby who used to make a living blowing whistles and waving cards under his real name of Bobby Madden. Naturally, he agrees with sidekick Bigmouth Boydy.
The one-time Scottish referee offered his ‘expert’ opinion on his Instagram account and, with perfect timing, he delivered: “Here you see the Celtic player has misjudged the ball and then lunges in and makes contact with the studs on the knee.
“Undoubtedly, this should be a red card for serious foul play as it endangers the safety of the opponent. The contact is there so a red card should have been recommended VAR.”
Okay, silence please, you lot at the back. Calm down, a bit of order, if you don’t mind. Try to control your hilarity.
WHAT A CARD…referee Nick Walsh books Reo Hatate as Liam Donnelly sits it out.
What does Bonkers Bobby see that no-one else does? He’s telling us Hatate has misjudged the ball and then lunges in. Anyone can see that is totally inaccurate. The Celtic midfielder is caught sliding on the admittedly skiddy plastic surface all in one movement.
There is no lunging in, there is nowhere else the Japanese player can possibly put his foot and there is a completely non-malicious incident. Football, the last time I looked, is a contact support.
If red cards are going to be flourished after every such bump and thump we’ll be down to five a sides before half-time.
Could this be the same Bobby Madden who mesmerised so many onlookers by refusing to administer a card of any colour to Rangers player John Lundstram during an unrestricted raw-meat display against Celtic in a Scottish Cup semi-final at Hampden in April 2022?
Admittedly, Giovanni van Bronckhorst’s Ibrox side were the better team on a rare off-day for Ange Postecoglou’s Parkhead outfit and deservedly won 2-1 courtesy of an own goal from Carl Starfelt.
CRASH…Callum McGregor is sent flying by John Lundstram’s late challenge.
But it was Lundstram’s overly-confrontational show that caught the eye to provoke this Twitter comment from Chris Sutton: “Celtic were poor, but Bobby Madden turned in one of the worst refereeing performances I’ve seen in Scotland for a long time… and that’s saying something!!!”
Keen observer Kris Commons, writing in the Daily Mail, chipped in with: “A lot of people were questioning the performance of referee Bobby Madden. In all honesty, I found some of his decisions absolutely baffling.
“John Lundstram was excellent in the heart of the Rangers midfield, but the reality is that he was extremely fortunate to stay on the pitch for as long as he did.
“He could have been booked quite easily on three different occasions at the very least. But Madden was extremely lenient, to put it mildly.”
Keeping the gag running – this guy knows how to work an audience, folks – Madden afterwards took to social media again to spread conviviality throughout the land when he sent Easter Greetings on his Instagram account.
Maybe Madden, who left the SFA under two months later to spend a year in the lower echelons of English football before blowing the final whistle on himself, had forgotten that Glasgow has the reputation of being a somewhat incendiary city.
There is always the possibility of a fall-out following a highly-emotional derby encounter when wisdom and common sense can be forced to take a backseat. As an inhabitant of the city all of my life, I know what I am talking about.
It doesn’t take much to spark a contretemps, especially after one of the combatants have just been knocked out of a major competition. Going public in such a manner was surely unadvisable.
Sidekick Boydy obviously saw the funny side and fired off the message: “Same to you” with the glaring eyes emoji.
I’ve no idea if Madden is particularly religious and, equally, I have no knowledge if sending Easter greetings is something in which he indulges every year.
However, back on the football front, he can still produce a chortle or two with his zany sense of humour.
My sides are still aching from just over a week ago when Bobby took to the airwaves once more to flag up a situation where Brendan Rodgers escaped expulsion during his team’s Premier Sports League Cup semi-final confrontation against Aberdeen at Hampden.
YOU’RE JOKING…Brendan Rodgers is booked by match official Kevin Clancy.
You may remember the Celtic manager contributing some slapstick of his own by performing his version of the Fosbury Flop as he attempted to boot the ball in a moment of sheer frustration as it rolled out of play.
Po-faced match offical Kevin Clancy flashed a yellow card for the Irishman’s heinous misdemeanour, but Madden, spotting the opening for an injection of humour, once again took to Instagram.
“The referee should be praised in this instance as you see the ball leave the field of play for a throw-in to Aberdeen and the Celtic manager clearly kicks the ball away, delaying the restart for his opponent,” he stated.
“The laws are very clear that this should be a red card, but the referee showed common sense and only issued a yellow card. Common sense prevails.”
Our chum forgets to add that Celtic were leading 3-0 at the time in the first-half on their way to a rather emphatic 6-0 triumph. Why on earth would the manager want to delay a restart when we were all having such a good time?
Well, almost everyone outside Dons supporters or former players of other teams or one-time referees, of course.
But jest a minute – did you see what I did there? – maybe the Chuckle Brothers – or the new Blues Brothers, if you prefer – have some valid points.
Maybe Brendan Rodgers deserved to be banished.
Maybe Reo Hatate deserved a red card.
And maybe a fat bloke with a white beard and red suit plus eight reindeer will land on your roof some time next month and leave a brand spanking new gleaming Ferrari under your Christmas tree.
ALEX GORDON
