I SINCERELY hope Willie Collum manages to extricate himself from the front half of the pantomime horse in time to cast his expert eye over proceedings at Ibrox a week tomorrow.
The SFA referees chief used a blunderbuss in his damning verdict on VAR’s two-man team for overlooking what he believes was a stonewall penalty-kick after Liam Scales’ tug on Rangers’ Vaclav Cerny on the 18-yard line during Celtic’s 5-4 penalty-kick shoot-out success in the Premier Sports League Cup Final.
Wee Willie, who took over the post from the totally inadequate Crawford Allan in the summer, neglected a measured softly-softly approach to bludgeon his way into the spotlight with all guns blazing.
Poor Alan Muir and Frank Connor. In savage fashion, their reputations were put through the shredder and Collum will have his own reasons for being so unnecessarily brutal in his appraisal of their performance, labelling it “unacceptable” among other stinging remarks.
TUG OF VAR…Liam Scales gets a hold of Vaclav Cerny’s shirt.
In the hysterical fall-out, both officials were hung out to dry, thrown under the bus and condemned to a meeting with the firing squad all in one exaggerated outpouring of feverish irrationality.
Muir and Connor were sent to the naughty step for a weekend as instant retribution for their heinous crime of reckoning Cerny was a couple of yards outside the box when the foul was committed.
Referee John Beaton, who was up with the action, agreed with them and that collaboration was enough to trigger apoplexy throughout the Govan ranks and beyond.
Philippe Clement was obviously in a state of flustered distress when he attended the aftermatch media conference.
Belgium’s very own po-faced prince of wails gibbered on about his mobile phone being crammed with messages about the incident. Later, he revealed, in an extremely understated manner, the decision would leave him mentally scarred for life.
It’s just a pity no-one among the press entourage had a Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward/Watergate moment and asked the bleating gaffer for a specific number of calls and could he check his device to aid the journalists in their quest for factual accuracy.
Clement’s response would have been interesting. And enlightening. And amusing.
SEASON’S BLEATINGS…Philippe Clement has something to say while John Kennedy remains composed.
A day or so later, warming to the theme, he told the press: “I had a lot of questions and texts. I had some players in Monaco who sent me messages about that action. Yes, all of Europe has been talking about it.”
Really, Phil? All of Europe? Not the entire universe, then? The inhabitants of Planet Zord have yet to throw in their tuppence worth, or whatever currency is utilised in another galaxy? They always were a bit tardy, those Zordons.
With all the subtlety of a train wreck, this Nosferatu of the dug-out told the assembled newspapermen to “dig deep” into this incident.
Forget conspiracy theories, mate. This is Scotland. Take film of the coming together between the two combatants around Europe’s refereeing chiefs and you might get an entirely different review from the one offered by Collum.
We’re told it should have been a straightforward call by VAR and there would have been no need for Beaton to scrutinise the touchline monitor. We’re informed it would have been a “factual overturn for a penalty to be awarded”.
I’ve got a question for Wee Willie, who seems to go through life with the look of a startled reindeer.
Have I slept through a change in the law that now says there is no such thing as an indirect free-kick?
By no stretch of even the most vivid imagination through light blue-tinted specs could it be argued Cerny had been denied a clear and obvious goalscoring opportunity.
Equally, Scales, whose original error can be classed in the diabolical category, hadn’t quite put in a life-threatening shirt-pull on his opponent.
So, that being the case, every tug at the shirt at deadball-kicks into penalty areas should now be “factual overturns” if the man with the whistle doesn’t immediately point to the spot?
Ludicrous, isn’t it?
SOMETHING TO SHOUT ABOUT…Brendan Rodgers and Philippe Clement on the Hampden touchline on Celtic’s way to winning the Scottish Cup Final on May 25.
But it gets even better, dear reader, when you hear and read folk demanding a replay. That’s too daft to deserve a comment.
Where would it all end? Cliff Richard demanding a recount because ‘Congratulations‘ only came second in the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest?
The runner-up in The Great British Bake-Off accusing the judges of jiggery-pokery amid bun bias?
You’ve got laugh, haven’t you? If not, you’ll be whipped off to one of those institutions where you are only allowed to eat with rubber knives and forks.
By the way, I have to commend the public for their vigorous ‘Free The VAR Two’ campaign.
The erring pair have been released from their shackles and Connor will be on touchline duties for the Kilmarnock v Aberdeen game at Rugby Park tomorrow while Muir is allowed to footer with technology for St Mirren’s home match against Dundee on Sunday.
On the same day, Connor will be on flag-waving duties once more at Celtic Park when the champions take on St Johnstone.
Don’t you just love Scottish football?
The following is a shameless plug for my fifth Charlie Brock Mystery novel, ‘What’s Got Into Geronimo?’, which will be on sale early in the New Year.
There’s a chapter in the book which is set in an Irish bar in New York around Christmastime. I was searching for suitable sayings and proverbs you might find adorning the walls of such an establishment.
I found this one and I thought it would be appropriate to sign off this feature.
May the winds of fortune sail you,
May you sail a gentle sea,
May it always be the other guy,
Who says This one’s on me.
Cheers, folks, hope you all have a wonderful day.
ALEX GORDON
