Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Govania, there lived a famous knight, Sir David the Lamb Giver.
For many years the poor people of Govania had suffered terribly after Jockstein the Great, who ruled the neighbouring kingdom of Celta, had won a great victory for the people of Celta. Their warriors were heralded as the great champions of all Europia. But not in Govania. Unable to match the great Celta warriors in battle, the Govanians were left to live a life of bitterness and hatred.
Then one day, Sir David the Lamb Giver seized the throne of Govania and began a new era for his people. He almost single-handedly transformed the fortunes of his people. Sir David the Lamb Giver used his influence and with the support of his sturdy camel, O’Givilia and his ever faithful servants Banquo Scotus, Souness Greyhame and Baxendale de Porno, he built a warrior corps, finally able to counter the forces of Celta. And so it came to pass, the Govanians grew to great power and dominance over their great rivals.
During these great days, the fortunes of Celta fell into darkness. For Jockstein the Great had passed away, leaving his forces leaderless, a shadow of their former greatness.
Despite this, the Govanians could not deliver that telling blow, to win that coveted prize for which they so desperately yearned.
Unceasingly, Sir David the Lamb Giver called all to join under his banner. From far and wide he called for aid and all beckoned to his called. None would dare to speak against him. None would dare to question him. Office bearers, heralds, all would feast at his great table. Sir David the Lamb Giver.
But still success eluded him.
For out of the darkness came Sir Banquo De Lloyds a fearsome warrior who killed Banquo Scotus in the great battle of Krunching Kredit.
Sir Banquo De Lloyds was now the most powerful knight in the realm of Govania. His ambitions drove out Sir David the Lamb Giver who yielded his realm into the care of Sir Googly of Ayes.
The people of Govania were greatly saddened by the fates which had driven out their great Lord but hailed their new leader with great acclaim, “Hail Sir Googly! Hail Sir Googly! He is the bringer of great fortune.”
Sir Googly of Ayes promised great future fortune to Wiley Ticketus if he would but assist him in his campaign.
But, at the battle of Maribor, Sir Googly of Ayes suffered a terrible defeat. Left with nowhere else to turn to, Sir Googly of Ayes sent his trusted lieutenant, the Baron Duffen Felps to the land of Administrania, throwing himself at the feet of the great Queen Beth.
Queen Beth was greatly loved by her people but her favours came at a great price.
Queen Beth demanded a tithe so burdensome that Sir Googly of Ayes was unable to pay. The great queen was displeased and dispatched Sir Horace of Taxem to deal with Sir Googly of Ayes.
Sir Horace of Taxem was a mighty foe and quickly drove out Sir Googly of Ayes. Sir Horace of Taxem left his faithful servant Bay Deho to seek out Sir Googly of Ayes to bring him and all his cohort to justice.
The powerful realm of Govania was no more.
But the people of Govania were restless. They sought out a new saviour. One who could reunite the warrior corps and bring the we-ar-y people back to their once great position of dominance.
The pleas of the Govanians were answered by Sir Charles de Verre. Known as the great story teller. Sir Charles de Verre, enlisting the help of the much loved and long suffering gardener, Sal Lee Ma Coat, he reunited the Govanians and gathered them together in his new realm, Sevconia.
Despite initial setbacks against the forces of Sir Turnbull of Hutton, the Sevconians won great victories at the battles of Annan, Brechin’s Edge and far off Elgin.
However, bitter infighting at Castle Ibroke, the hallowed seat of the realm of Sevconia, threatened to destroy Sevconia forever. As they struggled to survive and overcome internal struggles, the Sevconians fell under the spell of the Ogre, Mash the Scrotum Gripper. Many had tried to destroy this mighty Ogre but, once in his grasp, few ever escaped.
The people yearned for the return of the King. Their King. The man in whom the people trusted. The man whom the people could truly look to and love.
King David the GAS returned from the far off land of Sudafrica, where he had repelled no less than 41 charges by the SARS. King David the GAS was heralded throughout the land. “Hail the return of the King” was proclaimed in every tavern, on every billboard and in every household. King David the GAS would soon drive off the monstrous ogre and lead his people back to their promised land.
Will King David the GAS be able to succeed where so many before him have failed?
Will he break free from the Ogre’s grasp?
We await with bated breath…
Written by Mea Culpa on CQN last year. We’ll need to get him to write the next chapter…