OK you asked for it, another chapter in the Saga of Govania …..
In days of olde the knights were bold and maidens were in distress; Then along came Sir David the Lamb Giver and left such a bloody mess.
WHAT LIES BENEATH
When Sir David the Lamb Giver took over the reigns at Castle Ibroke, the hallowed seat of power at the heart of the ancient realm of Govania he transformed the fortunes of the Govanians almost overnight. He understood clearly the importance of the environment, most especially for his glorious warriors. If the Govanians wanted the best warriors in all Europia, those warriors must have the best facilities, most especially the plumbing. The warriors at Castle Ibroke would no longer squat down like animals, no, Castle Ibroke installed the most modern, flushable facilities for the Govanian centurions.
Sir David the Lamb Giver often boasted in defiance of their great foes, for every 5 pounds the Celtans flush, we will flush ten. As the Govanians grew in power under their new leader, Sir David the Lamb Giver continued to flush more and more, far outstripping even the most ambitious efforts of the Celtans. None of this was entirely surprising when one considers the vast volumes of refuse produced by the Govanians, most especially their heralds who seemed to see it as their duty to paint manure over every billboard throughout the land.
When the annals of Chivalry through all of Europia are finally written, Sir David the Lamb Giver will be forever remembered as possibly the most effluential figure in all Europia.
After many years of adulation at Castle Ibroke Sir David the Lamb Giver himself was finally flushed from the realm of Govania, leaving Sir Googly of Ayes, a man whose appearance clearly indicated he did not flush nearly enough, to take over the role of plumber in chief. However, Sir Googly of Ayes was no plumber. Almost immediately he bunged up the works, evidenced by the failings of his warriors on the battlefield. When at length he was forced to turn to the great Queen Beth of Administrania, he pleaded with her to send her most experienced plumber to flush out the water systems at Castle Ibroke.
But the great Queen Beth would not cooperate. Rather than send plumbers to help unblock the works at Castle Ibroke, she sent her officer Sir Horace of Taxem to seize Sir Googly of Ayes, driving him from his seat of power. The realm of Govania was itself flushed down the pan. This may have cheered the Celtans but failed to address the plumbing problems at Castle Ibroke.
When he came to power, Sir Charles de Verre held in his great hands the fate of all Sevconia. Here was a man who could sell sand to the Arabs (Dundee doesn’t have much you know) and cool boxes to Eskimos. When he gathered together the tattered remnants of the Govanian empire and built the new empire of Sevconia, his public efforts on the battlefield were well known to all throughout Sevconia and beyond. Despite the loss of their great banner (having been burned to ashes by Sir Horace of Taxem) so long the visible call to arms for the Govanian faithful, held for generations by the company at arms, Sir Charles de Verre wove together his yarn to create a new banner closely resembling the banner destroyed after the fateful reign of Sir Googly of Ayes. Sir Charles de Verre knew the importance of this great symbol to the Govanian people and declared, “come follow my banner for it is the same banner of old. Our company at arms has been lost but it matters not what company holds our great banner, the banner remains the true symbol of our great people.” Others knew the truth of it.
Yet his top priority was to fix the faulty plumbing. Time and time again when the great Queen Beth sent her officers to investigate the goings on at Castle Ibroke her officers complained of their having nothing to go on. Whilst war and attrition consumed much of his time, Sir Charles de Verre dedicated every moment he could muster to his primary goal, the plumbing system. So obsessed was Sir Charles de Verre with the system of watercourses in Sevconia, he would rarely talk of any other subject, many of the Royal Court were oft heard to cry, “doesn’t he talk a lot of ballcocks?” But he did at least unblock the works. So diligent was he, by the time he had fallen out of favour with the Sevconians Sir Charles de Verre had managed to direct many millions through the vast array of pipes, baffles, channels, traps and drains, out across the realm to the far off Kingdom of Normandy. By this time Sir Charles de Verre was truly effluent himself. Castle Ibroke had now returned to the days of Sir David the Lamb Giver with vast quantities being flushed away uncontrollably.
Unable to find anyone in all of Christendom willing and able to tackle the complex waterworks within Castle Ibroke, for despite their many crusades, the Sevconian Lords had been rebuffed by Lords, Kings, Queens and Barons, one and all.
“Get ye hence ye vile creatures for thou art repugnant vermin, a pestilence upon mankind,” they cried. The Sevconians cried out in reply, “we careth not if all hateth us, for we are the chosen people.”
The Sevconian Lords knew mere words were not enough. For in the midst of winter, their people needed real food and water, true sustenance. With the people of Sevconia facing starvation and thirst, the numpties at Castle Ibroke chose to put MASH on the menu, despite the foul taste this left in their mouths. MASH the Scrotum Gripper, a keen plumber himself, offered to fix the plumbing within Castle Ibroke, at the Royal Stables and at the Ludus where the great Sevconian gladiators polished their combat skills. The Sevconian people feared this was merely an attempt to supplant his own agents into the Royal household and add Sevconia to the many realms MASH the Scrotum Gripper had conquered.
Their suspicions proved correct. For MASH the Scrotum Gripper had not modified the plumbing to stem the flow. Instead, he directed the outflows to himself. The Sevconian waterworks continued to flow profusely, leaving the Sevconians ever more thirsty.
King David the GAS promised to drive off MASH the Scrotum Gripper but found the empire of Sevconia in total disarray. The knights of the realm had become age-worn, tired looking weeds which should have been thrown on the compost heap many years before. Many Sevconians held the firm belief that this was wholly the fault of the chief gardener, Sal Lee Ma Coat. But he, like the ancient realm of Govania itself, was gone. His immediate replacement, the aptly named Kenny McTrowell, was soon uprooted and Stuart Wynn-Feckoll planted in his place. Here was a man who knew how to get the best results with manure to make the precious little flowers bloom in spring. But, sadly he too failed to make the Sevconian fields flourish, despite the fact he had plenty of manure to work with.
King David the GAS placed his trusted steward, Sir Murray De Quiff to gather together his court and expel all who did not share King David’s vision. For many had even dared to doubt the legitimacy of King David’s claim to the Sevconian crown. The Soothsayers & Freemasons Alliance, a secretive band of men who yielded power and influence unmeasured and unaccounted were asked to verify King David’s position as great leader of the Sevconian people. A simple handshake and the blessing was given.
In days of crisis, people often turn to their forebears for inspiration and guidance. Sadly, the Sevconians could only call on 3 bears. Despite their best efforts, the 3 bears could not stave the flow from Sevconia for plumbing was not their forte.
King David the GAS, armed with a necklate made of metal upon which not even the hottest flame could leave a mark, turned to MASH the Scrotum Gripper for further assistance, despite his very public proclamations that MASH the Scrotum Gripper must be driven from Sevconia.
MASH the Scrotum Gripper became enraged. His great wealth and power could have transformed Sevconia into the greatest kingdom in all Europia. Happy enough to accept his aid when faced with starvation and dehydration, the Sevconians now turned against him preferring their much loved one king.
With the plumbing now flowing again, on the battlefield the Sevconian forces grew in strength, having gained significant victories in the battles of Dumfries and Hibernia. The Sevconian people were confident that their renewed forces would soon be able to face even the might of the Celtans.
Now, only the troops of Murdurwellia stood in their way. The Murdurwellians were greatly enraged after discovering that their leader was in fact a Sevconian double-agent. They made ready to take their revenge against the Sevconians. The battle of Furpark was a humbling experience for the Sevconians. Greatly disheartened after taking to the battlefield, only to discover that King David the GAS was not present to lead his forces, they were quickly overwhelmed by the Murdurwellian troops. They left the battlefield a broken force. A last gasp strike by the Mohsni rearguard proved to be their only flourish on the day.
The Sevconian army was disbanded. Where to now for King David the GAS? With his army in disarray, with his realm crumbling around him, his people starving and dehydrated, the plumbing still not sorted, his fight to break free from the grasp of MASH the Scrotum Gripper was far from over. Indeed, the ogre had become enraged as never before and was beginning to squeeze harder and harder. Tears welled up as the Sevconians pondered their fate. With wars breaking out on all fronts, protecting Sevconia from those who sought the destruction of this short-lived empire required the skills of a juggler. Sal Lee Ma Coat, a man of great skill, not only could this man manage the great gardens of the royal household but he also found time to entertain the Lords and Ladies in the royal courts with his artistry as the court jester. Had Sal Lee Ma Coat not been driven into exile, his skills as a juggler may have proved useful.
King David the GAS was now finding it more and more challenging to conduct his affairs. The greatest legal minds in the kingdom were constantly engaged in the courts of Administrania, in a desperate campaign to persuade the great Queen Beth against the ever increasing cries that she should wipe Sevconia from the map, as she had done with Govania.
King David the GAS sent out messengers far and wide, seeking a new General to muster the few remaining warriors who had returned from the disastrous battle of Furpark. Suitably experienced Generals were hard to find and King David the GAS could not offer the rewards offered to those who had so dismally failed Sevconia time and time again. The new General would have to work for a song. Who better then than Baron Mark the Warbler? The Baron knew a tune or two. Like the Pied Piper of Hamlin he hypnotised the Sevconian troops to surprising effect. The re-formed Sevconian army, cobbled together from the lost and destitute, failed warriors from many surrounding kingdoms, battled proudly to once more restore the pride of the Sevconians. They fought and defeated almost all foes who dared face them.
But King David the GAS has yet to face his greatest foe. Not the Celtans, nor the great Queen Beth.
No, the greatest foe is what lies beneath. The plumbing.
Written by Mea Cupla for Celtic Quick News. To read chapter one click HERE or click on the image below.