CQN Magazine new issue out now! Police, law, Neil and Orange!


Issue 5 of CQN Magazine is out today with some exciting changes.  We’re moving print production into the UK for this issue, which will be available after the game against Rangers, with 8 extra pages not included the online version, covering all the drama from next week’s game.

We have a couple of retrospective articles touching on the momentous events of 2011, including an interview with George Galloway, discussing his book about the life Neil Lennon has had to endure.  As you would expect, George doesn’t shirk out of the tackle.

We also have an excellent interview with Elaine C Smith, talking about growing into her life as a Celtic fan, her work and tackling domestic violence.  We cover the recent Football Bill and question the possible agendas behind a senior police officer, and recent striking referee, reporting Celtic fans to Uefa.

We stick our first toe in the short story water, a clarion call to Reclaim the colour Orange, tons of great fan memories, many of which you’ll share and plenty more, it’s all there, including typos and deliberate mistakes!

You can order now with credit/debit card or Paypal and buy direct from the UK for only £3.50 + £1.50 postage and packing.  Shipping costs £2 to ROI, £3 to Europe and £4 to the rest of the known universe.  Click on the link below to order.

Click here to view the new issue of CQN Magazine online for free. You can support the online edition by making a discretionary donation here.

Many thanks to those who have helped get the magazine off and flying this year. Everyone who has contributed (or even read) are invited to the Cathedral House Hotel in Glasgow on Friday evening for a Christmas drink. Target time is 20:30, see you there.

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  1. on the ‘Big Man’ – I get the same train every day – I think his behaviour was appalling and that he is a big fat bully. The conductor is also a jobsworth dobber.

  2. Wee have all seen the big guy mouth off,and take the stance of,im not getting involved..But when its a someone who can be handled,people are quick to step in..so its a lot to be with it being a youth..I recently seen a local bouncer give a lady lolipop women pelters outside a school,dozens of parents and children present,and no one said a word.All because he wanted to park on the crossing.That was some example he set to the children.the problem begins at home..

  3. HT @ 13:07



    They rarely are. Polis don’t have time for silly things like crime. Too many demonstrations to disrupt and agendas to pursue. You can’t blame them though – if not for that, we could easily end up with a chaotic society which would be more difficult for them to control.

  4. Forrest: Sami’s our inspiration














    22 Dec 2011




    JAMES FORREST today heaped praise on team-mate Georgios Samaras for helping turn around Celtic’s fortunes this season.


    The Greek international (below) has been serving up some top-quality performances to help Neil Lennon’s side storm back into the title race. Celtic have now notched seven consecutive SPL victories and Samaras has played a huge part in that consistent run of results by working hard to create goalscoring opportunities for team-mates. “All the boys at this club know Georgios is world-class,” said Forrest. “He is a great player and you can see that with the way he is playing at the moment. He was involved in our second goal against St Johnstone and picked a really good pass in the move and his general play was really good. It was the same in Italy last week and it has been the same on many occasions this season. “The manager obviously believes in him and so do the players. So it’s great for us that he is playing so well and hopefully that continues.” After running Udinese ragged in Italy last week in the Europa League and playing a key role in the 2-0 victory over St Johnstone at McDiarmid Park, Samaras’ performances have been a massive boost to his team. Forrest, however, knows Samaras and the rest of Lennon’s players will need to remain at the top of their game to overcome Kilmarnock this weekend. He said: “They like to pass the ball and try to keep possession. They made life difficult for us at Rugby Park earlier in the season so we know it will be a difficult game. But they all are – there aren’t any easy ones. “For us the challenge has to be to try and keep winning. We’ve done well recently and that helps build confidence. It’s just a case of keeping that going.”



  5. If the big people were as cheeky as the wee people there wd be no effin wee p7ss artists!!! The T C was probably in the middle of a ten hour shift that wd give him a pay that wd allow him to pay his debts other commitments he had.



    I wd have took the P A hat off and threw it off the train and him right behind it!!

  6. The wife went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.


    Clerk: “What denomination?”


    Wife: “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic.”

  7. !!Bada Bing!! Kano 1000 on

    Livibhoy-Agree, the ones we need to get rid of are Loovens,Rasmussen.imo.Also time to stop players going to press conferences,the lapdogs ask them loaded questions and twist their answers,send out Lenny or big Jo.

  8. Awe Naw,



    Aye, indeed. Mr Lunny’s may need some assistance in pursuing this new case against Sproule. He must make an example of this uppity Hibs player to try and get the message across to Moisty & Co, that they would prefer less public criticism of the MIB brethren, please, if possible.

  9. tommytwiststommyturns Kano 1000 on

    All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!



    Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay



    Crazy, but that’s how it goes


    Millions of people living as foes


    Maybe it’s not too late


    To learn how to love


    And forget how to hate



    Mental wounds not healing


    Life’s a bitter shame


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train



    Let’s Go!



    I’ve listened to preachers


    I’ve listened to fools


    I’ve watched all the dropouts


    Who make their own rules


    One person conditioned to rule and control


    The media sells it and you live the role



    Mental wounds still screaming


    Driving me insane


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train



    I know that things are going wrong for me


    You gotta listen to my words





    Heirs of a cold war


    That’s what we’ve become


    Inheriting troubles I’m mentally numb


    Crazy, I just cannot bear


    I’m living with something’ that just isn’t fair



    Mental wounds not healing


    Who and what’s to blame


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train


    I’m going off the rails on a crazy train




  10. an oldie but a goldie



    December 14, 1986



    My dearest darling John:



    Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.



    Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.



    My love always,





    December 15, 1986



    Dearest John:



    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.



    They are just adorable.



    All my love,





    December 16, 1986



    Dear John:



    Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens.



    They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.



    All my love,





    December 17, 1986



    Dear John:



    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough.



    You are being too romantic.








    December 18, 1986



    Dearest John:



    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.



    Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.



    All my love,





    December 19, 1986



    Dear John:



    When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.



    So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?



    The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.








    December 20, 1986






    What’s with you and those freaking birds??



    Seven swans a swimming. What kind of #### joke is this?



    There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny.



    So stop those freaking birds.








    December 21, 1986



    OK. Buster:



    I think I prefer the birds. What the #### am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?



    It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their #### cows.



    There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.







    December 22, 1986



    Hey Shithead:



    What are you…..some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.



    The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.



    You’ll get yours !





    December 23, 1986



    You rotten jerk::



    Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.



    They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ####.



    The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the police on you !






    December 24, 1986



    Listen Shithead:



    What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.



    Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.



    All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.



    You’re sworn enemy,





    December 25, 1986



    Dear Sir:



    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.



    The destruction, of course, was total.



    All correspondence should come to our attention.



    If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.






    Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

  11. Re Jimmy and Sammy,



    Woke up this morning thinking about these two running amock in the front wide of midfield.



    Quite a pairing. And with Hooper and Stokes up front, on a level playing field, with proper MIB protection of our players, we could easily tank this mob 6 nil next week. That could lead to more arrests though amongst the Celtic Support though, due to aggressive celebrations and what not, so I’ll settle for 4 nil, and the erse tearing in Moisty’s troosers on national TV when he bends over to tie his shoe laces.

  12. 31003 says:


    22 December, 2011 at 13:04





    It’s because the wee birds aren’t earthed.



    There was an episode of that How Do They Do It on a few weeks ago showing how they repaired high voltage cables in the USA by a guy climbing out of a helicopter onto the live cables. He’d do whatever he had to do and then climb back into the helicopter.

  13. Ceaser67 says:


    22 December, 2011 at 13:07





    DON’T try to touch power cables while earthed. That would be bad.



    The wee burdies have NO connection to earth, and are isolated from earth by a distance through air which we know is safe for these high voltages to be carried on. The air is acting as a dielectric or insulator, if the space wasn’t safe then there would be a lot of folk with burnt heids walking around.



    If the wee burdies were attached to earth then they would fry.



    So if you have your pet budgie out for a fly, make sure to let go of the lead if they head for the high voltage lines.

  14. Awe_Naw_No_Annoni_Oan_Anaw_Noo says:


    22 December, 2011 at 12:58



    HEARTS midfielder Ryan Stevenson has informed the club he will not play for them again after a request to terminate his contract was refused.






    Surely a case for Fraser Wishart’s union to get involved in.



    Perhaps he doesn’t wish to set a precedent, in case any other club find themselves in difficulties.

  15. The Honest Cover-up on

    Can’t believe people on here are having a go at the Big Man. Describing him as a bully is completely unfair. He didn’t randomly pick on someone to throw out for a laugh.


    He removed an obnoxious young man (or “a wee D###” to give him the proper term) who did not have a valid ticket, was using foul and abusive language and was holding up a train. The only reason he has a scratch on his face is because he struggled and tried to force his way back on to the train, despite being told his bag was waiting for him on the platform.


    I laughed heartily when I watched the video and thought this ignoramous will learn a valuable lesson from this and take his humble pie.


    Couldn’t believe it when he appeared on the news with his tabloid-esque “sad face” :-( bleating about being unfairly treated.


    As for people criticising the conductor, what on earth is he supposed to do? He asked him about a dozen times to produce a ticket or pay for one.


    It’s the equivalent of standing at Morrison’s supermarket trying to pay for a loaf of bread with an Asda voucher, holding everyone up including young families, refusing to leave then bleating when someone does the right thing and removes you from the premises.


    Quite sad that in our society a 19 year old can behave like a spoiled, obnoxious little child then play the “I know my rights cards” when he is finally dealt with like an adult.

  16. Did anyone hear the comment on the Des and Jenny breakfast show on Capital FM. Daughter made me listen to it in the car this morning when taking the rabbit to the vets for some much needed dental work.



    Jenny had described her worst ever job as a Santa elf in a shopping mall many years ago and how the memory of it has broken her Christmas spirit.



    Anyway, Des had organised for her to be a Santa Elf for an hour at the Silverburn shopping centre today and was teasing the obviously totally pi$$ed of Jenny about the day he’d planned for her, the end of the conversation went something like;



    Des – So Jenny, you’re obviously up for this Elf gig today, can you remember your catchphrase for the kids today at the grotto?



    Jenny – Yeh its, get it right round ye kids!



    A rare genuine LOL moment for me, and it took Fudgie’s mind off the op for a while.



    Both me and a drowsy Fudgie looking forward to tuning in to the next Celtic win this weekend, gutted that I’ll miss the mis-match between the Princes and pawpers next Wednesday, but confident in the result and the fact that I can catch up on CQN later that night.



    Hail Hail



    Soupsy (any flavour but goat)

  17. Oh wow!



    Bed beckons, before I go I must say what an absolutely wonderful evening I spent in the company of some excellent CQN’rs.



    This site never ceases to amaze me.



    Superb, quite simply, just superb.